Tactical Escape
by FaeSoDivine
Summary: While leading Shikamaru into an embarrasing predicament, Temari explains why she wears a kimono. [shikatema] [oneshot]


"Temari-san, why do you wear a kimono all the time? Doesn't it get uncomfortable?"

Sakura's cheery voice barely fazed Temari, who was quite honestly groping Shikamaru under the table with an evil smirk on her face. Shikamaru might have been enjoying it, but his face was a bright shade of red and he was clearly embarrassed. He knew better than to demand Temari remove her hand from his pants, for she would probably slam his face onto the grill in the middle of the table for suggesting she bide by his words.

"Sakura asked you a question," he hissed, his body rigid against the seat, obviously wanting Temari to focus her attention elsewhere. His troublesome girlfriend always tried to spite him in public, once going so far as to stripping him down to his boxers in a market square. He didn't want another repeat of _that._

"Ano…what?" Temari said, at last looking up and across the table at Sakura and Ino who were gazing at Shikamaru in curiosity. Temari glanced at him, realizing his blush was _quite_ visible. She smirked, tracing circles into his pants. Shikamaru's allowed his head to fall to the table in an attempt to cover his red face.

The glasses and dishes vibrated slightly from the motion and Naruto and Chouji looked up from their food.

"Oi, Shik-maru," Naruto said through a mouth full of barbeque, poking the shadow-user's arm with a chopstick. "Why're you actin'---"

He was cut off by Temari. "Because as a last resort, I can seduce my opponent (assuming it's a guy) and escape without harming (assuming its only a petty troublemaker and not a rogue nin)," she said quickly, in response to Sakura's previous question.

Her statement caught everyone's attention. She smirked as Ino and Sakura quirked their eyebrows and Chouji and Naruto stared at her quizzically. Shikamaru turned his head so that the right side of his face was pressed against the tabletop. He gave her a 'what-the-hell?' look despite his current predicament.

"Huh?" Chouji asked quite stupidly, breaking the silence.

"Well, say you're in a meaningless battle and you really don't want to kill the guy because he is so pathetic at being a ninja."

Everyone once again gave her odd stares, but she brushed them off with a dry look.

"You can't leave quite yet because you know that if you do he will stick around and cause more trouble for other people. You want to get him distracted enough so that you can take a last blow at him to knock him out."

At this point, everyone (save Shikamaru who was still enduring Temari's torture) was leaning forward in expectation.

"You corner him against a tree as though you're going to put a kunai to his throat," -she paused, removing her hand from Shikamaru's pants- "but instead…you guide his hand to your leg."

Under the table, momentarily relief passed over Shikamaru before he realized that she was guiding his hand to her very exposed leg, as she had previously dictated. He groaned into the tabletop, his face turning an even brighter shade of red, as Temari seemingly turned her attention to the nins around her. Only Shikamaru knew that, under the table, Temari had a strong hold on his hand and was sliding it up her leg.

"You will most likely have a few seconds of him being in shock before he tries anything perverted. So you use that distraction to hit him bluntly over the head with an object of your choice."

An awkward silence followed after that as the nin stared at her quizzically. She quirked her eyebrows, waiting for a response, as she inconspicuously guided Shikamaru's hand further up her leg.

Surprisingly, it was Naruto who had spoken first. "I wouldn't mind being tricked like that! Although stripping might work better…"he said thoughtfully, earning him a whack to the head from both Ino and Sakura.

While Naruto was nursing his wound, Temari was slowly sliding Shikamaru's hands over her thigh and underneath the fabric of her kimono.

"Temari," he grumbled, loud enough for her to hear, "Whatever you're planning…"

He was interrupted as Temari grinned coyly, before a feigned look of shock crossed her face. He raised his eyebrows in question before he felt Temari remove her grip from his hand. Before he could react, she yelled, "Shikamaru, you pervert! Get your hand off me!"

Everyone once again turned towards them. Shikamaru was too shocked to remove his hand as Naruto leaned over the table and announced, "I would have thought you'd have more tact than that, Shikamaru!" A sly grin was on his face.

Shikamaru pulled his hand back quickly.

"Of course, I'm always being felt up by creeps whether I'm in battle or not," Temari muttered in mock-annoyance, winking slightly at him. He groaned and dropped his head to the table, ignoring Ino and Sakura's rant about 'sleazy perverts'.

He should have stayed home that day because, before night fell, all of Konoha knew that the notorious lazy shadow-user of Konoha felt up the Kazekage's sister.

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**Please tell me what you thought...I began having doubts near the end. **

**Reviews feed my muse. **


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